Angus Nelson

Do you ever have parts of you that you just don’t like?  Elements of your make up that seem to nag at you like a hangnail?

What you’re about to read is my confession.  My self confession, a conversation with my own heart, this is one nagging facet of my life:

“Look at me!”  That’s the feeling I get some times.  I’m all too aware that a blog like mine is screaming this phrase.  Every week, I get the Google Analytics on this page and get the tracked information of how many people have visited, what pages you looked at while you were here, and how long you poked around my site… don’t worry, it doesn’t tell me who you are.

The sad part about this is the tension I feel about my desire to get more eyes, more comments and more interaction… why?

Broken.  That’s the only word that comes to me to describe the icky feeling I get when I examine my heart, my motives… I’m somehow broken.  Like I really need to get fixed, but the duck tape doesn’t stick.

There are times when I catch myself, when I care more about what I get to say than to whom I get listen.  I’m broken.

Whoever’s reading… I hope that you are reading, but even if you’re not.  Know this… I’m broken and I want to be fixed.

No more quest for numbers.  Come one, come all… even if you are just one.  Let’s talk, let’s grow, let’s start an interaction.  I’m ready to listen.

The truth is, this is not just about my blog, it’s a conversation I have all the time.  My personality is larger than life and I’m always wrestling with my ego and pride on this issue.  Eventually, I know I’ll grow past this phase in my development and find other areas to concern myself with.  But right now, it’s an ever present haunting of my humanity.

What elements of your human nature do you struggle with?

I don’t condone the use of crass language.  However, I appreciate it’s demonstrative use in this particular clip.  If you can handle it, I think this little segment is beautiful, poetic and deeply spiritual in a heartfelt fashion.

Sometimes love is amazing… Enjoy!

HUGE! from Brandon Thomas Irwin on Vimeo.

What speaks to you in this video?

One of the most common observations I’ve made about people in broken relationships is an issue of self-worth.  One or both struggle with the fact that they don’t feel the other is doing what it takes to meet their needs.  I’ve been there… I was hurting, needy and felt it was “her” fault.  It was all a waste of emotion.

What I later came to discover is that it’s simply not fair to place this kind of expectation on anyone.

In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that in a relationship “two halves don’t make a whole”, only two wholes make a marriage.  We each have the responsibility to develop our own sense of self.  Wouldn’t it be cool if that was a pre-requisite before people are allowed to get into relationship?  It would save so much heart ache.

How can you build your self esteem:

1.  Be honest about your self – no one is perfect, understand that you’re in process and cut yourself some slack.

2.  Get counseling – a professional can really help you to talk about your stuff and give you an objective voice.

3.  Buy books – believe it or not, many others have been through what you have, read their stories and lessons learned.

4.  Health care – take care of yourself, get proper sleep, exercise and eat right

5.  Find good friends – spend time with people that will challenge, inspire or encourage you.

Have you ever relied on someone else to make you feel good about yourself?

What can a person do to build their self-worth?

I think people often confuse unconditional love with enablement.  As a result, relationships get chaotic and leave one side feeling abused.

It’s one thing to love some one through their “stuff”.  It’s completely different to love the person, but deny the behavior.

We should never dismiss a person.  Everyone deserves honor, value and respect.  However, though I will never seek to shame you, I will also maintain respect and dignity for myself.  Therefore, I cannot allow you to infringe on my boundaries, take advantage of my efforts, or blame me for choices you are solely responsible for.

What actions can a person take to protect a respect for one’s self?

How have you confused enablement for love?

It’s been five days without my computer.  I mean, I had it.  I just didn’t have any of my data on it.

My computer is my connection with the outside world.  It is my news, my social life, my tool… my mistress.

Truth is, being unplugged was actually quite nice. But now I feel like I have to play catch up, I can’t and I won’t.  There’s never enough time to do all that I think I should.  So why raise the blood pressure over the inevitable?

Note to self:  if you ever need to restore a Time Machine back up with Snow Leopard OS, use the install disk – drop down from Utilities and restore TM from there.

What would you do with your time if your computer was down for five days?