Angus Nelson

For so much of my life I blamed everyone and every thing else for my own problems.  It was as if all the world was out to get me… “it’s not fair, what did I ever do to deserve this?” was the the attitude I had.  In hind sight, I completely recognize this as pretty narrow minded in my thinking – as if ALL THE WORLD really cared that much to inconvenience my little life!  I don’t think so.

I had a “victim mentality”, as do many people who would rather blame others than take responsibility for their life’s predicaments.  This kind of thinking will always rob you of growth opportunities.  As a result, you’ll always be stunted in your abilities to interact with other people.  More specifically, a victim mentality will sabotage all potential of a successful marriage.

Let me share an excerpt from my book, Love’s Compass:

I’ll share with you a short story to illustrate. I call it the bird poop proverb.

When I was in the fifth grade, I went out with my friend Ben on his paper route. He had just unleashed another of his typical smart-aleck remarks as we both left the porch of some house. The two of us were gregariously laughing our way toward the street when, from out of the tree above, this black speckled clump of white goo hurled out of the heavens onto Ben’s head. Ben turned to me with an incredulous look of horror. I slipped into an uncontrollable fit of hilarity. Ben was furious! He stopped in his tracks, dropped his newspapers, and pumped his fist into the air, screaming at the bird as it flew away nonchalantly, soon disappearing into a copse of trees. I was still wiping the tears from my thoroughly entertained eyes.

That really happened. Now, let’s hypothetically take the story a little further. Admittedly, I didn’t come up with this part all by myself, so it’s possible you’ve heard a slightly different version of it elsewhere. Let’s say Ben cursed the bird some more, but nothing came of it, so he picked up his newspapers and continued on his way. When he arrived at the newspaper office, the poop now dripping down onto his sleeve, he complained about the incident to the dispatcher. Taken aback by his situation, she offered him a towel to clean himself off, but Ben refused, explaining that it wasn’t his fault the bird had pooped all over him. If anyone was going to clean up this mess, it was going to be the bird that did it! He continued into the office, setting his newspaper pouch down on her desk and taking a seat. When the other paper delivery boys threw him questioning glances, he hesitated, then told them about his ordeal. They also offered to give him a moment to clean up, but he refused, again saying that the bird was responsible to clean up the mess. Meanwhile, thin threads of poop were now dropping off his head, pooling into putrid white clumps on the shoulder of his new designer polo shirt. He didn’t concern himself. The bird would be liable to get it dry-cleaned. He continued to get strange looks from passersby as he left the office. By this time, he reeked of bird poop, and as he boarded the bus, his fellow passengers gave him a wide berth. He tried to explain the situation to as many people as would listen, but knowing what had happened didn’t seem to compel anyone to want to take the seat next to him. That night, he looked at himself in the mirror with disgust. The poop had now soaked down to the roots of his hair, caking to the scalp. The smell was worse than ever, so he dug around through a drawer until he found a nose plug to help reduce his suffering. When it came time to shower and go to bed, he decided not to shower, for fear of washing his hair and thereby cleaning a mess that was not his to clean. He went to bed, smearing the mess onto his pillow and sheets. No problem, he mused. The bird would take care of that, too.

Now, I’ll confess that it’s a pretty silly story. But really think about it. How many people are walking through life with bird poop on them? Just as foolish as it is to blame the bird, we lay the fault for our unfortunate circumstances at the feet of the people we deem did it to us. Think of how much time and effort we waste waiting for other people to fix the problems we have in our lives when we could just deal with it, wash off the poop, and move on. The truth is that the bird does what the bird does, usually whether I’m standing beneath it or not. People who are hurting tend to hurt others. It’s nothing personal. It’s just what they do in wrestling with their own issues. There’s no sense in being victims, wallowing around as though we’re nothing more than other people’s collateral damage.

I picked up the proverbial towel and wiped off the poop. Coupled with my ever-softening heart, I was becoming more and more attractive every day.

So how can you move out of that mindset? Here’s an article from The Positivity Blog:

1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.

There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:

• Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.
• You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.
• Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.
• It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.

In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits I can derive from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.

It also makes it easier to make rational decisions about what to do. Yes, I know that I can avoid risk and the hard work of taking action by feeling like a victim. But I also know that there are even more positive results if I choose to take the other route, if I make the better choice to take a chance and start moving forward.

2. Be ok with not being the victim.

So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.

This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.

That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.

And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.

This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

4. Gratitude.

When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question:

“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.

This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation.

After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgive.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.

One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.

When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.

The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question I use when I get into the victim headspace is simply:

“How can I give value right now?”

Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.

So I figure out how I can give someone else value, how I can help someone out.

And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.

A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

7. Give yourself a break.

Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.

And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.

It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.

In what ways have you seen yourself as a victim?

What opportunities for growth have you missed because you blamed others?

What are the areas you need to take responsibility for in your relationships?