Supposedly, there are those with ESP, that sixth sense for telepathy, clairvoyance, and psychic abilities.  These are the talents of Saturday morning television and perhaps, you may be one of those boy or girl wonders.  As for me, however, I am in no way, shape or form, a product of that cognitive prowess.  The synapses in my head are of a different persuasion.  My mind is very much capable of telling a lot about another person, but it requires much intention, a little bit of patience, and a pinch of knowing what to look for.

I’ve put together eleven ways you can get to know someone, simply by paying attention.  And for the sake of our conversation, love, I’ll clarify that these are the kinds of characteristics that will make your future relationships more enjoyable, engaging and solid.

Here we go:

11 Ways to Know Someone

1.  Find out who their friends are

Do you remember your parents telling not to hang around one of your friends when you were in grade school?  I heard it a lot… didn’t listen too much.  But I understand what they really wanted for me.  The saying I often use is “you imitate whom you associate”.

We all know what that means, but we rarely place significance upon this principle when we approach the other person in our relationships.  After all, regardless of the way they are with so and so, “he’s not like that with me”.

I don’t care if it’s catty, gossipy girls or crass, verbally abusive men, it’s only a matter of time before they echo the environments around them.  If you want to know what your “someone” is really like, pay attention to the people around them that they place value upon.   Furthermore, you want to observe how they treat these individuals, which leads us to the next principle.

2.  Watch how they treat other people

Those closest to your beau are the ones he feels most familiar and comfortable around.  However they portray their affections, frustrations or disagreements is how they will soon portray them to you.

I remember my first wife talking back to her parents in an argument on the phone early in our relationship.  It never crossed my mind that the same tone would be turned on me, yet it was only a matter of time before the verbal venom was unleashed.

Familiarity is a key to the door of authenticity.  (or reality)

So many young women end up with crass men, captivated by their exclusively kind words or actions.  However, time will pass and thus will begin verbal, emotional or even  physical abuse.

3.  Pay attention to how they spend their time

A person gives time to that which they find important.  Is it family or friends?  Is it gossip magazines or personal-development books?  Are they involved in volunteering somewhere or are they often at the spa?  Do they exercise or lounge in front of the TV?

All of these activities speak to clues of your partner’s priorities.  Often times, you can even find elements of their character through what they choose to do with their time.  After all, time is the most valuable thing a person possesses – you can always get more money, but you can never get more time.

4.  Find out how they spend their money

There’s an old proverb that states “where your treasure, there’s your heart also”.

One that frivolously spends money of extravagance often reveals compensated insecurities.  Whereas a different person may routinely give to non-profit organizations to display selfless generosity.  Some people invest their assets, short term of long, they’re already thinking future, security and provision.  Others go belly up if they miss the next paycheck.

A closet full of lovely, new clothes can send a message of style and flair.  However, a totally different message may underlay the veneer.

Great amounts of character are revealed through a pocketbook.

It makes you re-think the mac-daddy playa’ in his pimped ride and high-collar, french-cuffed dress shirt.  Perhaps, the 93’ Honda Accord driving fella has a little more in the bank than the eye would perceive.

5.  Watch how they resolve conflict with others

This particular issue is close to my heart as I missed all of the red flags in my story…    Every relationship MUST include some sort of conflict from time to time.  It’s a healthy and necessary reality.  But the fact is, some people just don’t fight nicely, let alone fair.

Observing sarcasm, condescending tones, silent treatments, doors slamming, holes punched in sheetrock, extensive yelling, or even sudden disappearance demonstrated by your partner towards ANY other human being, no matter what the scenario, is HUGE RED FLAG material.

6.  How do they handle being wrong?

It’s bound to happen.  Eventually, everyone has to deal with being wrong.  Some, however, may never take ownership of this fact.  Instead, they may steer towards denial or blame.

I’ve done a lot of counseling and this is one of the greatest hurdles to a person’s growth – will they own their faults, recognize they’ve been wrong and use it as a stepping stone for the future?  Until then, they live in a charade of victim mentality: blaming circumstances, people and the past for current chaos.

A person of character will accept their fault.  In fact, a BIG person will acknowledge being wrong WITHOUT confrontation – this is the person we should all try to be more and more everyday.

7.  How do they handle offense

Despite the fact that EVERYONE knows we shouldn’t talk about politics or religion in public, I think nothing is more revealing than the way people desperately cling to the need to be “right”… er, I mean “correct”.  Of course, someone is bound to get offended, what happens next is the observation to make.

Does your partner get flustered, defiant, argumentative, or take a swing?  Perhaps they go the other direction growing dismissive, withdrawn or begin to pout.  All of this reveals the real person.

My dad used to say, “If your faith can’t take a hit, then perhaps you don’t really believe what you think you believe.”  I think a lot of stories I’ve heard in church actually talk about other’s getting their understanding of God rocked from time to time.

Just how personal does a person get when they’re offended, either towards themselves or towards you?  Offense can cause a person to strike with vile words or actions simply because they don’t agree.

The older I get, the less I need to be right or have all of the answers.  In fact, I’m more comfortable to actually have questions about things or to use the words, “I don’t know”.

8.  What do they do when they are embarrassed?

People who can laugh at themselves are those we can truly connect to.  Climbing off our high pedestals of perfection empowers us to value our “being” more than our “doing”.

The size of a person’s ego is revealed at the height of embarrassment.

When people get ugly or angry, you get invited to the revealing of their ego. I prefer to get giddy.

9.  Are they forgiving?

Why is it that we all want to be forgiven, but some of us refuse to forgive others?  What a sad state of affairs.  From a psychological perspective, many of us don’t forgive ourselves for things of our past.  We then project that onto others.  After all, their thinking is, “why should I forgive you if I can’t forgive myself?”.

You can watch a heart exposed before you through a display of unforgiveness.

Furthermore, if a person can’t forgive, it can lead to the next revealing observation.

10.  Do they keep score

Relationships are difficult enough as they are.  When someone chooses to keep score, they’re choosing to imprison you to the performance of your past.  NONE of us are capable of overcoming such a damnation.

As with the unforgiving, score keepers are projecting some deeply rooted belief that they themselves can never make the mark.  Whether its from a family member, a teacher or coach, they now project that same defeatist measurement upon you.  It becomes a form of relational sabotage emotionally, mentally or sexually.

This person has an extraordinarily low self esteem and have not yet connected with the beauty that is within them.  If this is you, I’ll help you get there in the upcoming chapters.

11.  What influences their value system and decision making?

What influences your value system and decision making?

I’m definitely not an expert in this area, but I do recognize that a person’s worldview is everything. However, what goes into the creation of a worldview is debatable. Some would say you’re born with certain tendencies and traits. Others would say that you’re a product of your environment and experiences. I tend to think the reality is a bit more complicated than that, that it’s all of the above mixed with choices you make along the way. If that’s true, our worldview is flexible, not rigid as some believe. As with all things, change is possible—even recommended much of the time. But if your worldview is amendable and capable of further development, you need to ask yourself a simple question: What establishes your worldview?

To begin with, your sense of morality makes up the lion’s share of your worldview. Morality seems to be subjective, depending on our current environment. Therefore, some cultures are open to skirts, cleavage, and spatula-applied makeup, whereas some Middle Eastern cultures might frown upon such gross excess. There’s no way around it. Culture plays a huge part in the equation, and therefore a huge part of worldview.

So what determines how you treat your neighbor, if you get involved in the PTA, or if you serve at the local soup kitchen? What is it that drives or compels you to protest a poor political decision? What basis do you have for the way you see yourself? Is your form of personal measurement the glamour of television, Muscle & Fitness, the Koran, Grandpa’s sage advice, Sunday school, the Joneses, or what was modeled for you in high school? Something sets your roots, is your point of reference, and dictates your moral compass.

In the same fashion, you want to learn the basis of your partner’s influences. Are they compatible with yours? Are they contradictory? This is one of the most important areas the two of you need to establish for yourselves. It determines your expectations in politics, faith, education, generosity, and so much more. If you have different worldviews, one or both of you may need to compromise, which if done reluctantly can leave fractures at the foundation of your relationship. Discovering this will greatly dictate whether or not you and your mate will make it.