Angus Nelson

Can you say, “Friggin’ AWESOME!!!?”

We’re a week out from the first Modern Media Man Summit and I’m totally jacked up! I’m polishing up my presentation when I get a call from Chevrolet, one of the conference sponsors. The guy on the phone, Renae, tells me I’ve been selected to drive one of their Traverse SUV’s to the conference and I should be on the lookout for a package shortly…

Here’s my reaction to the package from Chevrolet.

Chevrolet Drive-to M3 Summit from www.angusnelson.com on Vimeo.

Please come and join us Sept. 9-11, 2010 in Atlanta, GA.

You can register here: http://modernmediaman.com/conferencereg/

I speak at 10:15 Friday morning. In addition, I’ll be doing a book signing from 12:45 to 1:45. Hope to see you there!!!

Modern Media Man Summit

The Modern Media Man organization was founded with the focus of becoming the first dedicated blogging conference in the United States focused solely on the issues facing men and dad bloggers as they pursue their interests in blogging about personal, business and educational issues. The organization is focused on meeting the needs of bloggers, podcasters, videobloggers, online TV and radio broadcasters, social media influencers, consumers and small business owners, while also bringing them together with key corporate brands affected by the active purchasing power of today’s Modern Media Man.

The M3 Summit will feature a host of recognized speakers; include a variety of essential seminars, panel discussions and keynotes from some of the best known in the industry. Held in Atlanta, the three-day conference lends a once-a-year opportunity for contact and lead generation, the exchange of ideas, and a look into the heart of men and dad bloggers. More information about Modern Media Man and the M3 Summit can be found at www.ModernMediaMan.com.

Foreplay starts WAAAYYY before the bedroom.

We’ve had two children in the last two years and life has never been the same. Between feedings, nap time, laundry, cleaning, diaper changes, and work… there’s little time for sleep, let alone love-making. It’s so easy to slip into the routine of life and miss out on the magic of marriage when your flat out exhausted.

My wife and I determined to not let the flame flicker in our romance. It’s been challenging at times, but then again, that just adds to the fun. Let me show you what’s worked for me.

Somewhere I heard some dude challenge me to say,

“Can you live with never initiating sex?”

- “Huh?”   Yeah, that was my reaction too.

Then I pondered on it awhile… what if you could tempt, tease, entice your girl to such a degree that she WANTED YOU??? What if you spoke to her with heaps of desire, but always gave her the freedom to decide if Barry White hit the speakers?

This became the challenge: Love your woman in such a way that she’s begging for you.

Now every woman is different. Every marriage is different. There’s no simply answer to anyone’s specific issues. However, I do have some  advice on what you can do to stir up the romance and the sex life in your marriage.

7 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage:

1. Flirt

Even when we’re at our worst, we all want to know that we’re desired. That we’re attractive. That we’re still sexy. <cue boom-chick-a-wah-wah>

a. Text your woman throughout the day about the qualities you like about her. Remind her how much she’s appreciated, valued, and that you want to ravish her with your time and attention..

b. Slip notes into her purse. “Baby, I send a piece of me with you today – I’m thinking about you!”

c. Talk naughty, sassy, and direct – but do it in a fun-loving way, no strings attached.

d. Touch her as you walk past to put a dish away. Gently brush her hair away from her face as she’s talking to you. Place your hand on the small of her back as you reach for more formula. Sit close to her on the couch. Nudge her when you make a joke.

2. Surprise your girl with chores, tasks, or presents.

Don’t wait for a holiday, event or reminder. Take some initiative and rock her world with thoughtfulness.

Believe me when I tell you that doing the dishes is foreplay!

Doing the laundry is foreplay!

Taking the kids off her hands to play, go for ice cream, or grocery shopping is foreplay!

3.  Brag about your lady.

Publicly tell people about your wife’s GOOD qualities. NEVER make her the brunt of a joke. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Women want to know that you’re on their side, you have their back and that you are safe to be with.

4. Listen

Turn off SportsCenter. Turn off the radio. Take time to listen to your wife’s day. Ask her questions about how it made her feel, is there anything you can do for her, and DO NOT TRY TO FIX HER PROBLEMS. – Simply listen, understand, and support.

5. Time

Plan special time just for the two of you… even if it’s only 5 minutes. Take a walk. Get a sitter. Share a meal. Cancel a ball game just to be with your wife or family. When you make your marriage and family a priority, your wife takes notice.

6.  Laugh… laugh a lot.

Don’t take things so seriously: life, work, finances, restraints, etc. Learn to laugh and everyone around you will enjoy being around you more… especially your wife.

7. Pray

For your family, your wife, and your dreams. Invite God to show Himself mighty in your marriage. Tell God where you’ve missed it, what you need help with and how thankful you are… for everything. It’s amazing how sexy a man of God can be to a woman. – and what happens when you actually allow God to play a part.

What’s worked in your marriage?

Can you live with never initiating sex?

Sometimes, I think we make issues far bigger than they need to be. Other times, I think we neglect to see gigantic red flags right before our eyes… then other times, we just don’t know what in the heck we’re doing. I think the issue of sex in marriage is exactly like this – horribly convoluted and complex.

My first marriage, sadly, ended in divorce. However, much of our challenge was in the area of how we communicated. It’s one thing to have intimacy issues in your marriage. It’s a completely different thing to discover how best to talk about it. To illustrate, here’s an excerpt from my book, Love’s Compass:

“I got married for the first time at the age of 30. Considering that the national average is somewhere in the ballpark of 27, I was just slightly behind the 8-ball. I had sex three times prior to that, all before I was 17. My longest romantic relationship before marriage lasted a mere two months. Sad to say, by modern-day standards these numbers practically qualify me for monk status.

As a newlywed who had (mostly) saved himself for marriage, I had a number of false expectations and hopes for the interactions we would have in the bedroom. For instance, I had read and heard that the national average for sex among married couples was two to three times a week. Thank you, Hollywood, once again. Apparently, I had gotten all excited for nothing; if we had sex two to three times a month, it was a good month.

As inexperienced as I was in the intimate arena, I knew this was not normal. I was having to wait up to three weeks between coitus, and it messed me up, playing into my growing insecurities. I came to view myself as undesirable and unattractive. I was absolutely humiliated by our inability to connect in the bedroom.

I knew my wife had been with other men before I came along, so it seemed to me that she had perhaps used sex as a means of getting into and maintaining her former relationships. Now that we were bound under a contract of marriage, she might not have felt like she had to debase herself for my benefit. In my mind, I convinced myself that she didn’t make sex a priority. Sex for me, and for most men I imagine, is a connection point for intimacy. I began to feel disconnected and taken for granted.

Matters were made worse by the fact that I lacked the emotional maturity necessary to communicate what I wanted or needed. I would pout, argue, and throw tantrums to get my way. When sex wasn’t happening in our relationship, I responded by vocally complaining about it. Given my wife’s nature, this was the worst possible way I could have expressed my feelings. She longed for safety and understanding, whereas I simply wanted to proclaim my dissatisfaction. The result was that the more I ranted, the more my wife came to resent me.

The simple truth is, I didn’t know how to deal with conflict. I was completely ineffective, and it is an area in which I have grown considerably since. As a result, the subject of conflict resolution is close to my heart. You see, every relationship must include some form of conflict from time to time. It’s a healthy and necessary reality. Sadly, the fact is that some people just don’t fight nicely, let alone fight fair. They’ll use whatever weapon or leverage they can get their hands on, regardless of what it will do to the other person emotionally.

Sarcasm, condescending tones, silent treatments, door slamming, extensive yelling, getting hung up on, holes punched in sheetrock, or even sudden disappearances demonstrate huge, HUGE red flags… not that I know anything about these demonstrations. I’m just saying.

I really think every one of us deserves to be treated with a reasonable amount of value, honor, and respect—and yet my wife and I couldn’t have been more disrespectful to each other. When we fought, we treated each other like garbage. Unfortunately, what I believed intellectually, that everyone deserves to be treated with value, I could not manifest with a self-worth so bruised.

Sex was only one area in which I felt inadequate. I took everything personally. My wife was exhausted much of the time from pushing through school and work, fraying her already fragile state of mind. When I added to that the pressure to perform in the bedroom, I was only making the situation worse. Much, much worse.

At times, I would get myself so furious I’d have to leave the house. I wasn’t leaving for good, of course, but I definitely would disappear for hours at a time. Usually, I wouldn’t tell her where I was going, which just added fuel to the fire. If I’m being completely honest, I’m not so sure that I did this merely to vent or express my frustration with her, though my actions certainly had that effect. On another level, I was taking off in order to punish her, to exact some form of revenge for how I was being treated. I tried to prove my points by robbing her of the one thing in our relationship that she seemed to crave the most: a sense of safety. By leaving the house, I was increasing her anxiety by forcing her to confront the depths of her loneliness and isolation.

The more I think about it, I was incredibly cruel.”

Have you ever felt these emotions? Have you ever found yourself making some the same mistakes? More than anything, I share this simply to let you know you are not alone in your hope to resolve the intimacy issues in your marriage.

My next post, I’ll share some steps on where to go from here.

Within this story, which do you see as more important, how you communicate or what you communicate?

Are you willing to step away from the emotion of your needs in order to recognize the actual needs of the relationship?

Why is sex such an intricate part of our lives?

Sex empowers, bonds, reproduces, and energizes. It creates intimacy, relationship, endorphins, and orgasm. Sex is one of the most powerful drives, a release of stress and tension.

At the same time, sex is controlling, manipulating, and a thief. It possesses the soul, a prison cell to the captive. This sex is an invader of my mind and very soul.

It attracts… and as a men, mostly distracts.

Sometimes, I feel like a pawn underneath her power.

From childhood, many of us were taught of sex as if it were a plague. In churches, described as filthy, dirty, and wrong… maybe that’s why so many of us are so jacked up.

Years of being told, “Don’t do this!” Then I get married and I don’t know what in the world to do. I feel condemned by my very emotions. Yet, I was created by a loving Father that desires me, wires me, event conspires for me to participate in this beautiful thing called sex.

Culture has perverted it. Yes, that’s who’s to blame… Movies. The porn industry. Surely they are culprits in the demise of divine nookie!

Or perhaps, I’m simply naive. I, quite likely, lack the understanding of my own body and the offerings of pleasure to my spouse.

This week, we’re talking about sex… per your request.

What emotional, physical, or psychological struggles have you had with sex?

"Worship" by Avonlea on Redbubble

Much of my life would be different had I not been such a control freak.

After my porn issue was exposed, getting life back together was a huge challenge.

I’d been through all of the Christian calisthenics I’d been indoctrinated with over the years: praying longer; praying harder; confessing all of my sins of omission and co-mission; confessing again – just in case; taking authority over; calling forth; casting down; repentance; penance; etc… nothing worked.

I’m looking for the silver bullet. The one formula that will solve all my problems. My self-worth is crap. I’m hopeless. I’m suicidal. Life, as is, isn’t worth living.

“WHERE ARE YOU GOD?!?!”

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE HERE FOR ME!!!”

I’m desperate to get out of porn. Desperate to get my act together. Desperate to experience a life Jesus promised: life more than abundant. Here I am striving, working, and trying to earn God’s attention, love, and action. I’m freaking exhausted!!!

The problem is, I can’t simply walk away. I’ve seen God work in too many other people’s life. Some how, I’ve got to figure out why He’s not working in mine…

Then I discovered Grace.

Many people inaccurately describe grace as an excuse for ridiculous behavior simply because God is love and he’ll love me anyway…  That is a COMPLETELY naive. Grace is the enabling power of God given us in the divine exchange of love for law. It is the full expression of God’s kingdom made alive within us. Furthermore, GRACE is neither a doctrine or excuse, it’s a person – Jesus Christ.

I came to the end of myself, I resigned my efforts and simply slumped under the weight of my inadequacy… That’s where I met Grace, a person that adores me, my brokenness, and failure. He embraces my pain and reveals to me his ability to love me through my junk.

Grace opens my eyes to this revelation: I am everything Jesus is.

When God looks at me he sees Jesus. I connect to the fact that Jesus is IN me. Colossians 1:27 states “…God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.”

Christ in me.

If he’s in me and I’m in him, we are one! I take on his nature, his beauty, his mercy, his power, his love, his authority, his dominion, his compassion, his wisdom, his… you get the picture.

During this season, I learn that what I’m striving to accomplish is something I already possess… cue Wizard of Oz. Instead of trying to become, I learn to simply yield to who I already am. My invitation to Grace allows God to express himself through me.

Therefore, GRACE empowers me to do what I can’t… and never will be able to do in myself.

I had to let go of the pride, the ego… and oh god, the CONTROL! I slowly relinquish my entire view & opinion of me to HIS view & opinion of me. This becomes my guiding principle… the Truth North of my life’s compass.

I sought guidance to the new found spiritual life. I discover teachers that lead me in the direction my heart is exposing. At first, I’m listening to Joyce Meyer. Then I find Dave Duell. Then Andrew Wommack. This leads me to Jim Richards and on to Joseph Prince… now, I’m digging this stuff out for myself. Ultimately, I take responsibility for my own growth and development.

The change came within, knowing I am ridiculously adored and celebrated by God. His love transformed my inner monologue, mental construct, and desires. When I change on the inside, it’ss only a matter of time until my outside changes.

Porn lost it’s allure when I began to value myself the way God valued me. When I uncovered His love for me, I discovered my love for me too… I didn’t care to harm or destroy my heart anymore. God simply wanted me to give up the reigns so He could show me a far better way to live.

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

What challenges you in giving up control?

Does this even make sense to you or am I off my rocker?